Jack Bauer Theatre
Posted on Tuesday, March 7, 2006
In which we bring you scenes from the finest works ever to grace the stage, all featuring performances by the incomparable dramatic actor Jack Bauer.
TONIGHT’S SCENE: “HAMLET”
[We see HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK, in a churchyard holding a skull.]
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady’s chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing.
[silence]
HAMLET
Horatio?
[JACK BAUER enters, brandishing a 9MM BERETTA SERVICE PISTOL.]
BAUER
HORATIO IS DEAD! PUT THE SKULL DOWN!
HAMLET
Prithee, good sir, what’s thi –
[BAUER shoots HAMLET in the kneecap.]
HAMLET
FUCK!
BAUER
TELL ME WHERE TO FIND THE NERVE GAS!
[We see HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK, in a churchyard holding a skull.]
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady’s chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing.
[silence]
HAMLET
Horatio?
[JACK BAUER enters, brandishing a 9MM BERETTA SERVICE PISTOL.]
BAUER
HORATIO IS DEAD! PUT THE SKULL DOWN!
HAMLET
Prithee, good sir, what’s thi –
[BAUER shoots HAMLET in the kneecap.]
HAMLET
FUCK!
BAUER
TELL ME WHERE TO FIND THE NERVE GAS!
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