Because I’m Bored, That’s Why

Posted on July 6, 2003

REPORT FROM THE STANDING COMMITTEE ON DECK CHAIR SHUFFLING
Volume XVII, Issue 8

TO our esteemed colleagues of the Committee of the Whole, from whom this Standing Committee was constituted, in order to examine the feasibility of certain changes in the organization and placement of Deck Chairs upon the upper deck of this glorious ship, upon which we are all but passengers, we report the following:

WHEREAS the recent report submitted to this body by the Ad-Hoc Committee on Pumping, Baling, and Drainage makes clear that they have been unable to date to prevent this glorious ship from taking on water, due to certain imperfections in the constitution of the hull that recently have been magnified by an untoward interaction with a large, semi-submerged chunk of ice; and

WHEREAS the inability of the follow-on report from the Standing Committee on Heated Tuber Transfer to clearly conclude whose responsibility it was to direct further response efforts has led to said responsibility being transferred to this Committee; and

WHEREAS the members of this Committee have been directed by the Committee of the Whole to devise a solution to the present extingency. Therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED that the Committee of the Whole shall, in pursuance of its mandate to protect, preserve and defend the rights, benefits, and shuffleboard privileges of all passengers, take certain actions to rearrange the Deck Chairs on the upper decks, so as to potentially rebalance the ship and compensate for ongoing fluid intake;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that said actions shall consist, at minimum, of one or more of the following:

• The arrangement of all Deck Chairs, currently in straight rows, into staggered rows;
• The arrangement of all Deck Chairs, currently in staggered rows, into straight rows;
• The arrangement of all Deck Chairs not currently arranged, into demi-octagonal formations, as recommended by this Committee’s Annual Report on Optimal Deck Chair Arrangement and Organization (reference number 931572); and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that, by undertaking the actions outlined above, the Committee of the Whole shall have fully and completely discharged its responsibility for protecting the rights, benefits, and shuffleboard privileges of all passengers, and that no further action need be undertaken by the Committee of the Whole, or any of its associated Standing or Ad-Hoc Committees in the matter of the continuing fluid intake issue; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that anyone who says otherwise is a big, fat jerk.