The US Airways Lost Baggage Experience™
Hey kids — would you like to be able to have all the fun of dealing with US Airways’ lost-baggage claim service, without actually having to lose your bags?
Sure! Who wouldn’t??? Well, now you bring the US Airways Lost Baggage Experience™ into your very own home just by following these simple steps.
- Get a blank audio tape, a tape recorder, and a cheesy “smooth jazz” CD. Kenny G will do nicely.
- Put the tape in the recorder and record yourself saying “Thank you for calling US Airways Baggage Claims Service. Your call is important to us. All our operators are currently assisting other customers. Please wait for one of our operators to assist you.”
- Record 30 minutes of random tunes from the “smooth jazz” CD. Be sure to break in every ten minutes and record yourself saying “If you would prefer to file your claim by mail, please send it to US Airways, System Baggage Services, Pittsburgh International Airport, PO Box 12346, Pittsburgh, PA 15321.” Because Lord knows that if you’ve lost your luggage you probably want to wait to get an answer by mail.
- After the 30 minutes, stop the music and record yourself saying “Thank you for calling US Airways Baggage Claim Services. Your reference number?”
- Leave enough “dead air” on the tape for you to read off six random letters. (Yes, the “reference number” is made up entirely of letters. Don’t ask.)
- Record yourself saying “Thank you [sir | madam], please wait while I contact [insert name of random airport here] to check the status of your claim.”
- Record thirty more minutes of “smooth jazz.”
- Stop the music again. Record yourself saying “Thank you for your patience, [sir | madam]. I have checked with [insert name of random airport from previous step], and they have told me that they have just received 100 bags from Philadelphia, and they have not had time to begin going through them yet. They believe your bag is among these. Once they have time to go through the bags from Philadelphia and confirm this, they will call you.”
- Leave enough “dead air” for you to say “That’s the same thing you told me the last [insert number of times you’ve played the tape] times I’ve talked to you people! How long are those 100 bags going to sit there before someone gets around to going through them?”
- Record yourself saying “I’m sorry [sir | madam], I know it’s frustrating but there’s nothing we can do, it’s all up to the staff on the ground at [insert name of random airport from previous steps]. Thank you for flying US Airways!”
Then, any time you want to live the true US Airways Lost Baggage Experience™, you can just play back the tape and let it wash over you. I’ve had this same conversation three times now over the last 24 hours, so I can only assume that the folks at US Airways are working off a tape themselves. So why shouldn’t we cut out the middleman?
Other stories of my experiences with US Airways before swearing them off altogether: