BREAKING: Tech company announces marginally improved version of gizmo you already own

Apple WWDC 2013CALIFORNIA ­— In a move sure to rock the world of consumer technology to its foundations, a major computer company today announced it will soon release a marginally improved version of a gizmo you already own.

“This is it,” the CEO of the company told a crowded audience of technology journalists and fans. “This is the Year Zero. All that came before has been scoured from the Earth with fire.”

The company made its historic announcement at its usual venue for historic announcements, an annual conference for technology developers. Executives took turns on stage describing the details of the slightly improved gizmo.

“Unlike last year’s gizmo,” a senior vice president explained, “this year’s has more megahertzes, as well as more RAMs.”

“It is also slightly smaller,” he added, straining to be heard over the loud gasps of surprise and wonder from the assembled crowd.

Another executive described new online features that will be available in the new gizmo. “Like last year’s gizmo, this new gizmo is connected to the cloud,” he said. “But this new gizmo is significantly more cloudy than any previous version we have made. It is so cloudy, in fact, that internally we refer to it as ‘overcast.'”

The event was briefly interrupted at this point, as several attendees fainted from excitement and had to be attended to by emergency medical technicians.

Industry analysts were optimistic about sales prospects for the new gizmo. “It’s slightly better than last year’s gizmo, which should make it a must-buy,” one analyst told this publication. “And on top of that, this new version will be available to buy at stores. That all adds up to a home run.”

Technology enthusiasts were similarly impressed by the company’s announcement.

“I’ve been very happy to date with last year’s gizmo,” one enthusiast in attendance said after the conference. “But now I realize that it is a total heap of donkey dung, unfit for use even by sex offenders and lawyers. I am counting the minutes until I can replace it with a new, pure, slightly improved gizmo, which will allow me to leave the house without the crushing feeling of shame I now realize must follow me wherever I go with last year’s gizmo.”

Experts believe this new gizmo will redefine the human experience and change the way we live, laugh and love, until next year’s slightly more improved version renders it a hideous vestige of a barbaric age.